Shame 3-Motherhood/Fatherhood

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′

Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Order Daring Greatly - Click Here 

Our publishing schedule will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.  Twelve ‘shame categories’ have emerged from my research.”

Motherhood/Fatherhood

Let’s talk about shame associated with motherhood/fatherhood.

Parenthood is one of those status symbols we want to wear proudly.  However, if a couple has to cope with the “barren womb” there can be a tremendous amount of shame tied with that.  The parents have done nothing wrong in most cases, yet the absence of a child is felt so keenly and can cause stress and shame in a marriage, especially for the woman. 

Of course there is some great medical advice from competent sources and I encourage couples to seek that out Also, it is important for anyone, on any level, who suffers from shame to remember this.

Shame says “I am bad.”

Guilt says “I did something bad.”

Wives/Husbands, realize sometimes you are dealing with biological clocks, physiological issues and perhaps other medical complications.  Always seek professional help in navigating these difficulties.

Let’s take this another step.

What if you have a child, and he/she has made some less than wonderful choices.  This too can cause a tremendous amount of shame.  What to do? 

There are so many layers to this situation that it would take a book to unravel all the intricacies.  The last place couples should go is to the “shame” corner.  If your child is still under your care, hope can be found through great books and counselors.

If your child is of the age of accountability yet is making “shameful choices” how do you as the parent respond?  This is a tough line to walk.  Your parenthood side kicks in and wants to fix everything; however, you question whether your suggestions will be listened to?  And if your child rebels, how do you deal with the shameful feelings of disappointment over your child’s behaviors?

Please allow a good counselor to guide you here.  And read some of the books they may suggest. 

My sincere prayer is that you and your mate will uncover some solutions for handling shame moments and then move forward together to a more healthy state.

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 2-Money and Work

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

 Order your copy of Daring Greatly - Click Here

Our publishing schedule will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Let’s begin with these words from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.  Twelve ‘shame categories’ have emerged from my research.”

Money and Work

Shame can ride on our shoulders if we find ourselves in the unfortunate situation of holding a particular position of lesser esteem than those around us.  We are a society prone to value certain professional labels and shun other worthy and needed occupations.  Without listing occupations of esteem or shame, I’ll let you figure that one out for yourself. 

In some research I have done, money shame shows up for people making $20k per year and people who make $800k per year.  The take away is this … if you have shame over your money situation, you’re not alone.

When our pay check doesn't match the level of spending we desire, then we feel out of sorts and humiliated, and we even go around with a hang-dog demeanor.  On some level we have to come to terms with our situation as it is and make peace with our circumstances.

The labels we bear when it comes to money and work are huge in defining our sense of self-worth. 

Our tendency is to shame ourselves.  We beat up on self with phrases like …

     “I’m not doing it right.”

     “I’m not good enough.”

     “I’m unforgivable.”

Be gentle with YOU!

Again, I find myself wishing I had a magic elixir to help us with this topic.  This I do know; if you like the work you do and it fills a need in society, then I hope you can find some measure of acceptance and esteem in knowing you are doing good for your community and for yourself.

Don’t beat yourself up over the size of your paycheck or the grit of your job.  Do it well, do it with joy, and hold your head up very high. 

Click here to read more on Money Shame. 

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 1-Appearance & Body Image

We begin a 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. Order Daring Greatly by clicking here.

Our publishing schedule will be Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Let’s begin with these words from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.  Twelve ‘shame categories’ have emerged from my research.”

Appearance and Body Image

This is a huge area for creating a lot of shame for men and women.  We never quite feel we measure up in the image department.  In a world where glamour and beautiful features are in high demand, we readily see how this can lead those less gifted to feel inadequate and shamed.

I have a memory of dating a lovely woman a few years ago.  One day she wanted to go swimming.  I suddenly panicked.  I’m a really nice guy, but have battled a weight problem most of my adult life.  I begged off from this swimming outing and even used the words “I am ashamed of my body image.” 

Not a proud moment, but a truthful one. 

Brene′ says “Shame is having someone say ‘when is your baby due’ and you’re not pregnant.”

Any redemption I might offer to this characteristic seems weak, but here is my attempt.

If you are one who suffers with shame over your appearance and body image there are some things one can do.  The obvious ones are healthy eating choices and exercise first.  Not only will this benefit overall health – the improved confidence one can gain from this is immense.  It’s an overwhelming feeling of “I’m taking charge.  I’m doing something pro-active.”

There is one more factor to consider.  If one judges you solely on appearance/body image, is this really a relationship you want to pursue? 

Is that job really the ideal one for you if a certain body image is the criteria that one must meet?

Seth Godin, in a daily blog, gave some advice that I find very freeing.  I am paraphrasing:

“You will not reach every person in the world.  Every person in your town will not buy you products.  Everyone will not watch your TV show nor buy your advertised products.  All one can do is reach those who like and embrace what you offer.” 

I am a blogger.  Not even every member of my large family reads my blogs.  

Bottom line – beneath your appearance and body image beats the heart of a person of great value.  Discover that genuine individual and embrace him/her.  Set her free and be at home in your own skin.  Be the best you this world has ever seen. 

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Winning and Losing

The world loves a winner.  Don’t we all?

I've got a question for you?  Just because you are winning, is that always a good thing?

Consider this:

Some crooks are better at being a crook than others.  Is that a good thing?

I suppose some porn stars are better than others.  Do they win some sort of prize?

See what I mean?  If I made you uncomfortable with that last one I do apologize, but I let it stand in stark contrast to what we are considering here.  Not all wins are “wins”.

Sometimes it’s better to have never played the game than to win at something evil, inhumane, disrespectful, or dishonest.

Let’s take this a bit further.

Just because a man gets up every Saturday morning at 6AM to play golf and he wins the day with a 6 under par, did he really win?  Did his family also win by his absence?

What if a minister has a huge multi-thousand member church, yet his son is the talk of the town and the one most wanted according to the post office walls?  What did he really win?

I’ll be honest; this is not a feel-good blog. But, you know what?  It has to be considered.  We have to face this one and reason it out. 

What is your response?

What are you winning … or losing?

Better question – what are you going to do about whatever it is with which you are grappling?

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

You Must Believe

In the world of achievement and performance perhaps the most talked about quality is Belief.  For today, we will focus on that one fact.

Maxell Maltz wrote Psycho-Cybernetics over forty years ago, yet this classic book still speaks to us today. 

You have to believe you will get

what you are going for or you

will never get anything you go for.

~Dr. Maxwell Maltz

It all boils down to belief.  Are you a believer?

Is what you aim for within grasp, or is it pie-in-the-sky?  If I wanted to be a ballet dancer, that would be foolish thinking.  There is no way I could become a ballet dancer at this point in my life. 

However, if I wanted to become a published author, I can do that. 

If your goals and dreams are properly placed and stated, then with enough work, concentration, and focus I do believe you can achieve some measure of success as you pursue these goals and dreams.  

Just be sure and add the belief factor. 

You have to believe.  No room for unbelievers. 

Unbelievers fail.  They fall short.   They get lost on the trail.

Believe.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Step Up to the Plate

The baseball phrase “Step up to the plate” has some applications for us in other areas of our lives. 

When we “step up to the plate,” that means we are ready for full engagement.  We are in the game and ready to face whatever is pitched our way. 

Love the idea of “full engagement”.  If we step up, then we should be watchful.  What’s coming next?  Tune out the crowd noise, for they only want to distract you.  Tune out the chatter from the catcher.  He only wants to mislead you, redirect you, get your focus off focus. 

Engage

     Focus

          Attention

               Preparation

These are the mental steps that happen before and while we are at the plate.  

Remember the aspect of being “prepared for the next level” when we consider the “plate” metaphor. 

Sometimes, we show our metal and mental abilities when we step up and we get promoted to the next level.  Then we really have stepped up to the plate.  

I hope you find yourself able, willing and always ready to step up to the plate and hit the winning run. 

That will make your day any day of the week.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Explore Yourself

This may sound like a negative, but hang on – it gets good.

The Premise-

When you’re lying on your deathbed,

one of the really cool things to say is,

“I really explored myself.”

~Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.

When you come to the end, the idea is to have used up everything within you.  If we have our music still inside of us, we have wasted some of life.

And this is not about music – it’s about living life full and out loud.  In the movie Dead Poets Society, Robin Williams does an abridged version of the great Thoreau quote:

“I went to the woods because I

wanted to live deliberately,

I wanted to live deep and

suck out all the marrow of life …

“ … to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life.”

Gotta love that. 

I have discovered that I am a multi-layered, multi-faceted individual who can do a lot of different things.  I’ve discovered my passion along the way and now I am focused on what I want and am headed for it like a straight arrow. 

Are you in the process of sucking the marrow out of life?

Are you living life without regrets?

Let me tell you a story:

There once was a master violinist who had to sell his finely crafted violin.  After selling it he vowed one day to buy it back.

Time passed.

He saved his money and was finally able to visit the pawn shop.  Unfortunately, it has been sold to a collector who wanted to place it in a shadow box and hung on his wall.

The violinist visited the collector and pleaded with him to sell him back his violin.  The collector refused.  In desperation, the virtuoso asked if he could at least play his violin one last time before it became a collector’s piece, never to be heard from again.

The collector agreed. 

The virtuoso tuned the strings and began playing.  As the music filled the room, the collector’s heart was softened and he agreed to give the violin back to the master violinist.  He could not deprive the world of the lovely music from this fine musical instrument.  He could not let the violin sit in silence. 

Please don’t sit in silence. 

Get your music out – whatever kind of music you make. 

Do you write books?  Write, my friend.  Write.

Do you build buildings?  Build the finest you can build.

Do you work on computers?  Be the best computer repair-person the world has ever seen.

When you come to your end, I want you to be able to say with joy and confidence …

“I really explored myself.”

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Up-Moments

One Moment at a Time

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is an important concept.  Let’s explore this idea.

Mindfulness deals with tuning into self and focusing on others.  We will consider both aspects.

Self-mindfulness

Are you mindful of “self” and your needs, of what’s right and good for you, and how you care for yourself?

Can you tell when foods are good for you or which foods cause an interruption in your system?

Are you mindful of your key indicators for good health?

I recently had a reaction to a cholesterol prescription.  I didn’t need my doctor to tell me to quit taking it. I noticed the bad effect and made the change.

We are mindful of these things. 

Others Mindfulness 

Can you read body language?  This skill would stand you in good stead if you interact with people for a living.  Do you know buying signals?  Do you know rejection signals? 

What are the signals that your mate is happy, or sad, or wants to be left alone?

Mindfulness is not a hocus-pocus mystical trick.  Oh no.  It is a real fact of life and something we should tune into. 

Great comedians become experts at crowd mindfulness.  They know in a few seconds when a crowd is with them and into their routine, and if not, the better ones are quick to change gears and win the crowd, or they lose their appeal.

See the importance of mindfulness?

Wish I had three easy steps to more mindfulness that I could offer you.  You know what?  You’re smart enough to figure this one out for yourself.

Just become a noticer.  Analyze data, signals, responses, and you’ll become an expert in mindfulness in your world. 

Really!

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

People Buy You First

Zig Ziglar said it.

          Brian Tracy says it.

                    Earl Nightingale said it.

All great trainers and speakers say it.

Have you ever heard of “the critical first two minutes?”  Those are the first 30-seconds to two minutes of time that it takes a new customer, friend, client or neighbor to determine if they like you, trust you, will listen to you and will want to continue in relationship with you tomorrow.

We speak from the moment we show up.  Our dress, our posture, our facial expressions, our mannerisms, our tone of voice and a thousand other factors all speak about whom we are and what we represent.

Make sure you master this principle.  You are being judged by it every day of your life. 

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

A People Skills Tip

Love this thought.

Fact:

~People want to feel worthwhile in life. 

~Compliments affirm people and make them strong.

~Encouragement is oxygen to the soul.  

~George Matthew Adams

~Compliments in front of others are the most effective ones you can give.

Improve your serve … compliment and encourage another person.

P Michael Biggs

UP-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

PQT

People who find time to have reflective moments are onto something.  When we can take the time to quiet the noise of our world, we might be amazed with the quality and quantity of thoughts that begin surfacing during those quiet moments.  And they are known to continue throughout the day.

Dan Brown and Dr. Maxwell Maltz offer this idea in Psycho-Cybernetics:

“Spend 15 minutes a day in your mental foxhole.  Find time in your schedule that is simply for thought and reflection.  Make it your personal retreat space and preserve and protect this mental space and time.”

They call this: – PQT - Personal Quiet time

Dan tells of a man he knows who rented a small office fifteen minutes from his main office.  It was equipped with a comfortable chair, a lamp and table holding note pads and pen. 

As often as he could, this man would retreat to his PQT office and sit for fifteen-thirty minutes.  As he reflected, with the light off, he was seeking ideas and thoughts to enhance his life and business.  When an idea emerged, he turned on the light, wrote a quick outline of the idea, and then resumed his darkened retreat time.

Worth considering.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Percentages Don't Lie

Zig Ziglar provides us this juicy advice.  Pay heed.

"The impact of our Communication

7% in the message

38% in the way we say the message

55% in body language used"

Seems to me a good body language book or video might be in order.  The internet is full of resources.  YouTube has some excellent videos to watch. 

Amy Cuddy-Your Body Language Shapes Who You Are  

Janine Driver -You Say More than You Think 

Top Ten Mistakes We Make in Body Language

These are just three of dozens of clips I found on YouTube by typing “Body Language” in the search bar.

Have fun exploring this interesting topic.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Bet on Yourself

Do you ever bet on yourself?  When others offer a contrary opinion, sometimes our inner conviction has to override those contrary voices and help us to do the thing anyway.

This is tough to do, especially when those we trust the most offer the strongest voices in opposition.  And if you are a pleaser personality, that further aggravates the issue.

Nevertheless, there are times when it is necessary to bet on yourself.  Believe enough in your idea regardless of what others think, say or advise.

How does one know for sure?

You will never know for sure.  You just have to trust your instincts and past history. 

My main adviser – Carolyn - doesn't always agree with what I post, and there have been times when I've gone ahead and published something against her counsel.

That doesn't make either of us right or wrong.  It just demonstrates the convictions I held on that particular point that was contrary to her opinion.  And the final decision rested with me, as she is always quick to support.

There are thousands of issues at stake when we talk about a subject like this.  One needs to consider past history, past success, how have others tried and succeeded or tried and failed. 

And after all the data has been analyzed, after all the facts have been weighed, and after every consideration considered, then you either bet on yourself or you walk away.

…And when you bet on yourself, bet with confidence.

Believe!

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Are You Listening

Critical listening skills are critical – in personal life, in home life, and in business life.

A dozen business writers all say the same thing, including John C. Maxwell, Zig Ziglar, and so many others. 

Good managers are good listeners.

From a handy book titled “13 Fatal Errors Managers Make” by W. Steven Brown comes this sage advice. 

“When I was preparing to write this book I asked a number of my business friends, several of them chairmen of companies, what business advice they would give if they were writing it.  Almost without exception, and often at the top of their lists, they said, ‘Learn to be a good listener.’”

~W. Steven Brown

The one great desire of every human being is to be heard and to be understood. 

Give us that opportunity.  Let us express ourselves without fear of recrimination.  This is one of the most freeing experiences a leader can offer her workforce. 

Your employees have ideas, suggestions, and thoughts on just about every aspect of your business, and they will share these thoughts IF you provide them a safe environment in which to share.

Your customers demand this same treatment.  We have just ended a frustrating experience with Dell Computers.  I never felt I was given a proper venue to express my frustrations, and it will make me consider twice whether to buy another product from them in the near future.  

I want to be listened to, and so do you.

Give your ear to your employees, your customers, your spouse, and your kids, and then watch for positive results in your relationships.  It will happen.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time