We
continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly.
Our
publishing schedule is Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
Each
week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.
“People
often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an
unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.
Shame is something we all experience.
And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually
tends to lurk in all of the familiar places.
Today’s
Topic …
Parenting
Shame
rears its ugly head in the parenting realm just as it does in other areas of
life. We can feel great shame over the
success or failure of our kids to perform at certain standards. The push toward excellence is a constant and
we parents can obsess over the outcome.
How
do we deal with shame in parenting?
We
realize where our responsibilities start and stop. We guide, nurture, educate, and give
opportunities to our children, and we hope for the best. If we attempt to live out some unresolved
fantasy of our own through our kids we are setting ourselves and our children
up for some serious shame experiences.
The
big question to ponder is this: What are
we handing down to our kids? Are we
giving them feet and wings on which to stand and soar?
Let
me use Brene’s words:
“What we want to do is help our kids develop shame
resilience. We do this in part by
staying mindful about the prerequisites that we’re knowingly or unknowingly
handing down to them. Are we sending
them overt or covert messages about what makes them more and less lovable Are we focusing on behaviors
that need to change and making it clear that their essential worthiness is not
on the table?
Are we telling our daughters that thin, nice and modest are
prerequisites for worthiness?
Do we tell our sons that emotional stoicism, put money
first, and be aggressive are they way for all of life?
Or, do we teach our sons to respect women and that they are
smart people, not objects?”
The
best remedy is to find a balance beam and help our children figure out their
likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, interests and goals. At all costs, avoid forecasting your own faded
dreams onto your child.
I
love what Brene says: “Lastly, normalizing is one of the most
powerful shame-resilience tools that we can offer our children. Normalizing means helping out children know
they’re not alone and that we've experienced many of the same struggles. This applies to social situation, changes in
their bodies, shaming experiences, and feeling left out, and wanting to be
brave but feeling afraid. There’s
something sacred that happens between a parent and a child when the parent
says, “Me too!” or shares a personal story that relates to their child’s
struggle.”
Very
wise words from one of the most significant books I've ever read.
P Michael Biggs
Offering
Hope
Encouragement
Inspiration
One Word
at a Time
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