You're not Perfect?

Oh my.  And I thought we lived in a perfect world with perfect people.  What is one to do?

Okay.  That’s enough of that.  A perfect person did exist once – in the fairy tales.  But that was only a fairy tale, right?

Love this idea:

Ring the bells that still can ring.

Forget your perfect offering.

There is a crack in everything.

That’s how the light gets in.

~Leonard Cohen

As I get older, I am reminded of what once was, but is no more. 

-As Mr. Cohen reminds us – we do what we can still do.

-We go as we are able.

-We find the bells that still work and ring them with all our might.

-We are not perfect, but we are still capable. 

Find your stride and go.

Cracks are not all bad. 

They let in light.

Cracks in a water vase give important water along the trail.

You’re not perfect? 

No problem.  You’re still useful.  Find your niche.

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Thoughts about Value

Do you recognize your own value?  Are you aware of your own individual self-worth?  Here are some key thoughts on this topic.  Sit down and let’s have a chat.

Do you recognize your own value?

-What successes have you had in the past? 

-What good remarks have people said about you that you value?

-What are five strength-areas of your life?

Have you learned how to accept your own value?

Do you embrace your own strengths?

Where do your strengths lead you (career path, people skills, general types of work)?

Do you “take” to your own inborn success traits?

Can you increase your own value?

Take a class

Listen to audio recordings and read

Find a mentor

Do you believe in your own worth?

Do you buy into your own value as a human being? 

Do you believe you are worthy of success and achievement?

Do you like and appreciate your own uniqueness?

You are valuable, my friend.  It is up to you to sell yourself on you, and then others will buy into you as well.  That is an age-old fact.

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Control Your Destiny

What a bold statement – Control Your Destiny.

How?  That’s the obvious question.

The simple answer – and the first answer is this.

You can if you think you can. 

As a man/woman thinks in his/her heart, so is he/she.

Your destiny is being formed every waking moment of your life.  What goes on in your mind makes a difference.  We are what we think about.

So, to control our destiny – think good, accurate, focused, visualized and in depth thoughts and plan for a successful future.

You have more control over your destiny than anyone else you know.

Execute!!!

P Michael Biggs

www.up-words.net

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 12-Being Stereotyped/Labeled

We conclude our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Each week we have introduced each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Being Stereotyped or Labeled

The shame we bear with labels around our neck is likened to a death sentence.  It seems we will never escape the labeling from another time in our lives.  And if we’ve been type-cast and placed into a box because of some unfair kind of grouping, we either fight that labeling or we give up in shame and regret.

What a tragedy when we label someone.  What a tragedy when we are labeled. 

Here are some popular labels we like to toss around other’s necks:

Fatty, fatty two-by-four

  Lard butte

    Stinky

      Sleaze-ball

        Nerdster

          Druggie

             Thief

               Low life

                 Knot-head

Need I go on?  We get the picture.  Believe me, we get the picture.

I have not been immune from this labeling effect.  Even today, I can hear (if I choose to play the tapes in my mind) the chants and teasing from days gone by.

“You’re an accident looking for a place to happen.”

“Get out of the way.  Here comes Big Biggs.”

“Baldy.”

That’s enough.

Listen very carefully to me.  If you have had to bear or you currently bear labels and stereotype stigmas from the past, I have what I hope is some freeing news for you. 

~You are not your label.

~Your identity is what you believe it to be, not what others have called you in a demeaning way.

Just because you performed badly once upon a time does not mean you are a bad performer.  It just means you now have more information with which to improve.  That’s all.

Remember these axioms: 

“You have made a mistake.

You are not a mistake.”

~Dr. Maxwell Maltz

Failure is an event,

not a person.

~Seth Godin and Zig Ziglar

Also, grab onto these thoughts:

    -You are enough. 

        -You are smart enough. 

            -You are talented enough. 

You are not your past.

You are not even your worst day of your life.

You are a unique individual.  You are on a journey, and along the way we encounter bumps and bruises, pot holes and ruts.  Sometimes we get lost.  Sometimes we fall in with the wrong crowd.  And sometimes we fall flat on our faces.

And if we do, remember this.

Pick yourself up.

Dust yourself off.

Start all over again.

Order 'Daring Greatly' HERE 

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 11 - Surviving Trauma

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Publication days:  Monday – Wednesday - Friday

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Surviving Trauma

Trauma comes in all kinds of packages. 

Death of a significant other

Divorce

Loss of job

Bankruptcy

Life-threatening illness

Birth of a child with defects

Devastating weather system that destroyed homes and dreams

Loss of income

… and more …

In most cases one feels not only the loss of something or someone, but also that we are somehow diminished, we are less of a person because of this trauma, and therefore we open the door to shame. 

The song goes like this:

-“I must be a bad person for something like this to happen to me.”

-“If only I had …”

-“I wish I would have said no.”

-“We should have … years ago.”

We cast a serious dose of shame onto ourselves.

Once the trauma hits, there is little one can do in the early days but ride it out until one can get his/her feet back on more solid ground and re-achieve some semblance of level ground emotionally.

Ah – level ground.  What a great place to find in the middle of a trauma.  The word “trauma” itself depicts upheaval, unsettling, disruption and a great sense of loss.  The thing we crave most is stability. 

Stability. 

From my own experiences with divorce and bankruptcy I know firsthand that my greatest need during those times was a tremendous sense of level ground.  Where could I find stability? 

I detested the stigma of ‘divorce’.  I went around for days repeating to myself “This wasn’t supposed to happen to me.”  Shame kicked in and I felt I had a big wart in the middle of my forehead and everyone was starring at it.

And a few years later, when bankruptcy came along, it started again with the upheaval and the intense feeling of shame.

What is the way out from under the shame that tags along with most traumas?  

Brene’ offers some tremendous insights in her book.  One thing she says is this:  “Don’t over-share the details of your trauma.”

  Few individuals fully understand what we have just experienced, and the ones who don’t understand wince and want to avoid us for fear of being dragged back into the conversation and the drama of our trauma.

You will need to talk about your trauma, and it is wise to find someone who has had a similar experience, however, above all, the greatest resource is always, always your professional therapist. 

Traumas can be survived.  The shame will diminish and evaporate.  It just takes time and wise guidance from a trusted source.

Order Daring Greatly HERE 

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 10-Religion

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Publication days:  Monday – Wednesday - Friday

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Religion and Shame

We have just opened a huge can of worms with this topic.  Having grown up in the conservative south in a fundamental evangelical church I saw shame used extensively as a weapon to corral the sinner, correct the wayward and attempt to bring change in the worst of mankind. 

In my opinion, much of it was man’s agenda to control and possess.  It missed the mark of the God in the Bible that I have come to understand. 

One of the tools in the arsenal of power mongers is to control the masses.  The best way to accomplish this is through shame, and especially if you are prompted to confess your sins in an unsafe environment full of people with whom you don’t have a personal connection.

Shame is a form of mind control and a huge weapon often used to control followers.  Once an individual gives his/her mind and decision making ability over to another or a group, trouble gains an entrance.  That usually is the first sign of a cult at work, and that cult wants you to bow and scrape before them, give them total, unyielding allegiance, and never again think for yourself. 

Religions in a variety of stripes are very effective and also the worst offenders in using this weapon.  Their mantra runs something like this:  “Don’t you dare step out of line, and if you do, there will be hell to pay.  You will do penance, you will tell your sins to the world and we will stigmatize you for the rest of your life if you dare cross that line of “sin” whatever that sin may be.” 

I recently watched The Scarlet Letter.  Hester’s shame was that she had to wear the scarlet letter “A” on her person at all times, and for a period of time she had a drummer boy follow her everywhere she went in the public market place to call attention to her “shame”.

I can’t think of one single instance in the scriptures in which God uses shame as a punishment.  I do see examples of grace and mercy being extended. 

The Woman Caught in Adultery

Christ’s words were “Neither do I condemn you.  Go and sin no more.  

 John 8:1-11

The Prodigal Son

The father ran to him, with hugs and kisses, the best robe, and a banquet.  That doesn’t sound like shaming to me. 

Luke 15:11-32

Zacchaeus, the Crooked Tax Collector

After his encounter with Jesus, he gave back what he had taken illegally.  Sometimes he doubled the amount.

Luke 19:1-10

Shame and God just do not go together when I consider the many encounters we read about between the Christ and a “sinner”.  Christ, the son of God, continually offered grace and redemption, not shame, and certainly not rejection. 

Are you burdened down with shame over some religious experience from your past?  Listen very carefully.  There is help for you.  It begins with reconstructing your image of God and the kind of relationship He wants to have with you.  You are His child, made in His image.  He knows your name, and your proclivities.  This God stands ready to walk with you in every circumstance, through every trial and around every bend in the road. 

I’m including two links to some insightful articles you might like, and also, if there is one book that I could offer you, it is

this one.  Brennan speaks to today’s man and woman of the great God of grace, mercy and love.  As he says, “God not only loves you, he likes you a lot.  As a matter of fact.  God is very fond of you.”

Does that sound like a God who is out to shame you? 

Shame?  No.

Great love?  YES!

Order Ragamuffin Gospel by clicking Here!

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Two on-line links for further reading 

Are You Dealing with Shame

  

 Religious Shame

Shame 9-Aging

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Publication days:  Monday – Wednesday - Friday

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Aging

The shame that accompanies the aging process is a little-talked-about issue and has some grave impact on our elderly population. 

For men, shame begins to rear its head with thinning hair.  A full head of hair has been such a prized possession in our culture.  And now, is a man “less than” just because of less hair?

Women can suffer with hair loss as they age also.  Sometimes, their easy fix is a wig, yet the shame can be severely felt. 

And then there is the wearing down of the body.  I remember on my 54^th birthday, when I had to buy my first pair of reading glasses.  It took a long while before I would ever been seen using them in public.  Shame reared its ugly head.

And heaven forbid, we can’t stand the stigma of being once so active and chasing a tennis ball or racket ball all over the court, and then one day we wake up and realize we just don’t have the stamina we had even five years ago. 

Shame can kick in in a hurry.

We could go on naming all sorts of shame scenarios, but they only tell the problem, not the remedy.

Some things emerge in the reading I've done on this topic. 

~ ADMIT OUR LIMITATIONS

Sooner or later, we have to admit to ourselves and to others the extent of what we understand to be our debilitating abilities.  People will stand in line to help us if we allow it and open ourselves to their helping hand.  This is a tough step, but a needed one.

~DENIAL

Denial is not a river we need to continue traveling.  Denial mostly means we are hiding the issues from ourselves when others so clearly see what we are not willing to admit to seeing. 

~PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS

Physical Limitations will continue to increase.  We stay as active as we can, for as long as we can, and that is the way it is.  We continue to find the arena in which we can play and be active in a safe way without doing harm to ourselves and to others.

~MENTAL AGILITY

Mental Agility will continue to slip away from most of us.  Allow yourself room for error, use some humor, and keep moving.

Aging and shame having nothing to do with each other.  We often feel shame because we feel we are a bad person for getting old.  Time and again, we all need to be reminded of this:

     Guilt is “I did something bad.”

          Shame is “I am bad.”

No, you are not bad.  You are, perhaps, a victim of wrong thinking, and your body is following its natural course of slowing down.  You are normal and you will find your new norm. 

For more information, consider these links:

http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/no-shame-no-humiliation-157861.htm

http://www.georgemprince.com/articles/Intimacy,%20Shame%20and%20Aging.pdf

http://www.mothersmovement.org/features/body_image/b_brown_body_shame_2.htm

Order Daring Greatly HERE

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 8-Sex

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

Publication days:  Monday – Wednesday - Friday

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Sex

The topic of ‘sex’ as a standalone word will grab headlines, turn every head in the room and be read just because of the subject matter.  That, however, doesn’t mean we always get it right.  Unfortunately, more times than not, sex is a huge player in the shame arena. 

There are all kinds of phrases we can attach to the issue of sex in each of our lives.

I’m not good enough.

I’m not pretty enough.

I’m not sexy enough.

I am too small.

I am too large.

I am …

Fill in the blank and you can complete most of the conversations around sex.

Women tend to think that men want a sex goddess in the bed room and men think that women continually move the bar on what is good sex, appropriate sex and meaningful sex. 

Add to this the fear that one is being judged and you have a real mess.  In Brene’s book, she tells of a group interview session when the topic turned toward sex. 

“A young woman shared about how scary it is to have sex with someone you care about when you’re worried about how your body looks.  She said, “It’s not easy to have sex and keep your stomach sucked in.  How can we get into it when we’re worried about our back fat?”

“A young man in the class slammed his hand down on the desk and shouted, “It’s not about the back fat.  You’re worried about it?  We’re not.  We don’t give a s--t!” 

“The class fell silent.  He took a couple of deep breaths and said, “Stop making up all of this stuff about what we’re thinking.  What we’re really thinking is “Do you love me?  Do you care about me?  Do you want me?  Am I important to you?  Am I good enough?”

Rejection hurts.  And if we feel we are going to be rejected, we can easily turn to shame and go and hide somewhere.

Brene tells of an older man in this group.  Listen to his words.

“It’s true.  When you want to be with us … in that way … it makes us feel more worthy.  We stand a little taller.  Believe in ourselves more.  I don’t know why, but it’s true.  And I’ve been married since I was eighteen.  It still feels that way with my wife.”

I’m going to let Brene bring us home on this subject.

“Cultivating intimacy – physical or emotional – is almost impossible when our shame triggers meet head-on and create the perfect shame storm.  Sometimes these shame storms are directly about sex and intimacy, but often there are outlying gremlins wreaking havoc in our relationships.  Common issues include body image, aging, appearance, money, parenting, motherhood, exhaustion, resentment, and fear. 

“When I asked men, women, and couples how they practiced Wholeheartedness around these very sensitive and personal issues, the answer came up again and again:  honest, loving conversations that require major vulnerability.  We have to be able to talk about how we feel, and what we need and desire, and we have to be able to listen with an open heart and an open mind.  There is no intimacy without vulnerability.”

You really need to read this book.

Remember this:

Guilt is “I did something bad.”

Shame is “I am bad.”

No, you are not bad.  You are, perhaps, a victim of wrong thinking. 

Seek help.  Read some good books. And talk, talk, talk with your significant other.

  

Order Daring Greatly HERE

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 7-Addiction

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

We publish on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Addiction

A few words from Brene:

“Statistics dictate that there are very few people who haven’t been affected by addiction.  We may not do it compulsively and chronically, which is addiction, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t numb our sense of vulnerability.”

So what are we numbing?  Brene says “Americans today are more debt-ridden, obese, medicated, and addicted than we ever have been.”  

We fear disconnection and we have anxiety around the shame of feeling inadequate.  We feel we are “less-than” we should be, whatever that means.

Addiction is no longer reserved for drug users and alcohol consumers. 

Brene stresses time and again that in order to stop the shame cycle at any level we have to avoid the isolation mindset.  Isolation promotes the symptoms of shame and sends us into a tailspin. 

Shame grows in isolation.  Shame loves the dark.  Brene says “We can’t selectively numb emotion.  Numb the dark and you numb the light.”

And if you numb the light as well, where is the escape route out of shame?

This is a tough subject.  If you are a person suffering from the shame of an addiction, here are the simple steps that begin the journey.  They are steps that probably need to be taken with wise counsel.  You MUST seek quality professional counsel to walk away from your addiction. 

Again, Brene speaks:

“When I interviewed the research participants, whom I’d describe as living a Wholehearted life, about numbing, they consistently talked about three things:
1. Learning how to actually feel their feelings.
2. Staying mindful about numbing behaviors (they struggled too).
3. Learning how to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.” 

As you can see, there are no easy answers to any of these shame categories we are covering in this series.  We always end up at the same place – seek therapy, seek counsel. 

May it be so.

Order Daring Greatly HERE

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 6-Mental and Physical Health

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly. 

We publish on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Mental and Physical Health

“The old body just ain’t what she used to be.”

“I can’t do that any longer.”

“You go ahead.  I’ll be there when I get there.”

“Let’s see now, where did I put that.”

“Now what did I come in here for?”

Mental and physical decay - It happens to all of us and usually at the worst moment.

Oh, the shame of getting old. 

The words become more and more familiar as we age.

“I can no longer …”

“I can’t remember like I once did.”

“Let’s slow down.  I can’t keep up.”

And along comes shame.

Along comes regret.

Along comes resentment.

And shame never leaves.  It just makes room for these other companions.

Brene′ makes a statement in her book that I want to use as a frame for this topic today. 

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”

Can you imagine anyone more vulnerable to shame than someone with deteriorating physical or mental health?

Can you see that shame is the cause of disconnection?  And when we feel disconnected we begin to lose our sense of belonging, of worthiness and usefulness.  If we feel flawed who could possibly love us?  We can’t even love ourselves.

Perhaps this week we speak to the siblings and children of someone who is suffering with mental and physical health shame.  What can you do to bolster your friend/parent/sibling?

Consider some of these:

-Let them know they are still a worthwhile and valued individual. 

-Asking for help is strength, not a weakness.

-Do what you can with what you have at this moment in time.  That is all that is expected.

-Allow them to reminisce, and enter into the storytelling with them.

-Accept them for who they are and for the legacy they have left thus far.

Above all – ABOVE ALL, show empathy.  Brene′ says:

“Let’s understand the power of empathy.

If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things for it to grow.

     Secrecy

          Silence

               Judgment

If you put empathy in a Petri dish with shame, shame cannot grow.

The two most powerful words to use when showing empathy:  “Me Too.”

You really need to read Brene′s book. 

Order Daring Greatly HERE 

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time

Shame 5-Parenting

We continue our 12-part series on shame, based on Brene′ Brown’s book, Daring Greatly.

Our publishing schedule is Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

Each week we are introducing each blog with this quote from Brene′.

“People often want to believe that shame is reserved for people who have survived an unspeakable trauma, but this is not true.  Shame is something we all experience.  And while it feels as if shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tends to lurk in all of the familiar places. 

Today’s Topic …

Parenting

Shame rears its ugly head in the parenting realm just as it does in other areas of life.  We can feel great shame over the success or failure of our kids to perform at certain standards.  The push toward excellence is a constant and we parents can obsess over the outcome.

How do we deal with shame in parenting? 

We realize where our responsibilities start and stop.  We guide, nurture, educate, and give opportunities to our children, and we hope for the best.  If we attempt to live out some unresolved fantasy of our own through our kids we are setting ourselves and our children up for some serious shame experiences. 

The big question to ponder is this:  What are we handing down to our kids?  Are we giving them feet and wings on which to stand and soar?

Let me use Brene’s words:

“What we want to do is help our kids develop shame resilience.  We do this in part by staying mindful about the prerequisites that we’re knowingly or unknowingly handing down to them.  Are we sending them overt or covert messages about what makes them more and less lovable   Are we focusing on behaviors that need to change and making it clear that their essential worthiness is not on the table? 

Are we telling our daughters that thin, nice and modest are prerequisites for worthiness? 

Do we tell our sons that emotional stoicism, put money first, and be aggressive are they way for all of life? 

Or, do we teach our sons to respect women and that they are smart people, not objects?”

The best remedy is to find a balance beam and help our children figure out their likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, interests and goals.  At all costs, avoid forecasting your own faded dreams onto your child. 

I love what Brene says:  “Lastly, normalizing is one of the most powerful shame-resilience tools that we can offer our children.  Normalizing means helping out children know they’re not alone and that we've experienced many of the same struggles.  This applies to social situation, changes in their bodies, shaming experiences, and feeling left out, and wanting to be brave but feeling afraid.  There’s something sacred that happens between a parent and a child when the parent says, “Me too!” or shares a personal story that relates to their child’s struggle.”

Very wise words from one of the most significant books I've ever read.

Order Your Copy of Daring Greatly HERE

P Michael Biggs

Up-Words Web Site

Offering Hope

Encouragement Inspiration

One Word at a Time