I See What You Are Saying

For those of us in the people business, we always say more than we think we are say.

There is a vast amount of material on the market today that deals with non-verbal communication (often called body language). I just finished the book You Say More than You Think by Janine Driver. Here are some highlights from this 229-page powerhouse book.

Key Principle – Total Communication
--50% of what we communicate with others is nonverbal.

-- When we focus simply on the trees, instead of taking the time to slow down our judgments and look at the entire forest, we can miss valuable information. This is a phenomenon called inattentive blindness, also known as perceptual blindness, and it’s related to how our minds see and process information.

Key Principle -- First Impressions
The first thirty seconds may be all you have to make a good impression.

Within the first seven seconds of meeting someone, he/she has already formed the first impression of you. This “primacy effect” dictates whether or not the person will trust you.

Key Principle -- The Belly Button Principle
Our belly buttons speak volumes about what we think and feel and especially where we do and do not want to be.

The direction of the torso determines a person’s level of interest.

Belly button direction is the most important aspect of reading a person’s intention.
The direction of our belly button reflects our attitude and reveals our emotional state.

When we suddenly turn our navel toward a door or an exit or simply away from someone, we subconsciously send the signal that we want out of the conversation and perhaps even out of the interaction.

Let’s take a tip from former president Bill Clinton. When President Clinton greets someone, he points his belly button to the one he is greeting, smiles, and gives them a great handshake... After he lets go of the individual’s hand and moves to the next person, he keeps eye contact on the first person for an extra second as if to say, “I hate to let you go.”

What an important people skill.

When people angle their belly button away from you, they are communicating one of several possibilities:
-I don’t like you, trust you
-I want out of here
-I’m hiding something

Key Principle – The Feet
This is tied to the belly-button principle. A person’s feet always point in the direction of where their body wants to go. For sales people, make sure and position your feet toward your prospect, face to face, in a direct line. Watch your prospects feet. Are they with you or headed for the door? This is worth noting, and then figure out what to do to re-engage your prospect.

OK, that’s enough for today. You need to read the book to discover what Janine means when she refers to your “naughty bits” and the fig leaf cover-up, and there is some other great material that is worth knowing.

Hope you are intrigued. It really is a terrific book and one I highly recommend if you really want to understand all of the ways in which you and I communicate.

After all, I can see what you are saying.

Sine Cere - Without Wax

Once upon a time in Italy, there were some less-than-honest sculptors who would make mistakes when sculpting and to hide their flaws they would fill their statues with wax, yet pass off their work as the real, unblemished thing. On a hot day the wax would melt and their deceit would be revealed.

The authentic master sculptors of that day would advertise their work as “Sine Cere” – “Without Wax”. In other words, “My Work Is True Blue, with integrity. No Flaws.”

What a way to live: Being an authentic person.

To be a person of value and to offer value I want to be “without wax”, an authentic representation of who I say I am.

What do I say about myself?

Am I an authentic me?

So my question is this:  Am I acting in a way that is consistent with the principles I hold?

If I hold myself up to be a man of integrity, when I think that no one is watching, do I act and think like someone of integrity? Am I without wax?

People can tell whether you care or not. Am I acting and responding in a way with other people so that they know without a shadow of a doubt that I care? Does my integrity shine through?

I am a reader of books. One book I’ve read recently is called The Go-Giver by Bob Burg & John David Mann. In it they state “The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself. Let’s offer an authentic representation of ourselves to our world.

I like giving gifts, especially good quality stuff that has enduring qualities and lasting value. My chief aim is to offer a true representation of who I say and believe myself to be.



Authenticity


          Integrity


                    Sine Cera


                              Without wax!

William Shakespeare says:

“This above all: to thine own self be true;

and it must follow, as the night the day.

Thou canst not then be false to any man.”

I choose to live each day

without wax -- with authenticity.

Catch Someone Doing Something Right

There is a principle in people relationships that I hope we never lose. Tom Peters made it popular in his book in the eighty’s called In Search of Excellence.

It is simply this …

Catch people

doing something

right!

When I was a regional director for Sylvan Learning Centers it was a popular tenant by which we lived. We would look for something a student did, or a correct attitude one might hold, and we celebrated it.

Maybe they tried their best but still fell short.

I gave a kid some tokens one day for simply picking up a piece of paper. He didn’t drop it. It wasn’t necessarily his concern, but he saw something out of place and he was in a position to do something about it.

Catch people doing something right!

That means employees, customers, your spouse, students, kids, siblings, church members, close friends, ministers, plumbers, carpenters, airline pilots, teachers, co-workers, bosses, etc.

Catch them doing something right and then celebrate it. Shout it to the world.

In a world when it is the norm to criticize someone, show them appreciation instead.

Notice the small things. Compliment them, pay it forward.

Mention the little gestures.
 Celebrate the random acts of kindness.
  Catch people doing something right.

Parents, a word for you.

Do you celebrate the triumphs, the little things?
Shoes that stay tied
     The shirt tail that is generally tucked in?
          The small improvement in keeping a bedroom a bit neater?
               Celebrate the small stuff.

Customers need to be recognized for doing something right.
-Are they consistent in paying their bills? Celebrate it.
-Do they always make time to see you when you come by for your presentation? Celebrate it.
-Do they listen and take your advice on a new product and try it? Celebrate it.

Catch customers doing something right.

Did someone write a brilliant blog, such as this one, and you really gleaned a lot from it? Catch them doing something right. (I dare you.)

Catch someone doing something right, today!

It just might come back to you in some wonderful ways.

Trust

Have you ever played the trust game? The game goes like this: the participants all stand in a circle with the chosen one in the middle. The middle person is then asked to trust those in the circle and fall into their arms and allow them to move the trusting one around the circle without allowing him/her to fall down.

What an interesting experience. Some trust willingly. Others stand rigidly in the circle with their body language screaming “I don’t like this. I don’t trust you!”

Trust is earned, one encounter, one incident, one conversation at a time. And once earned, hold onto it for dear life. Guard it, protect it, and cherish it.

How many examples can we name today of individuals or corporations we fully trust?

I suppose we could fill many pages with people who have let us down.

Always guard

the sacred trust

others place in you.

Max Lucado, pastor of a church in San Antonio wrote a book called When God Whispers Your Name. Listen to this story.

***
"I stand six steps from the bed’s edge. My arms extended. Hands open. Sara, all four years of her, crouches like a playful kitten. She’s going to jump. But she’s not ready. I’m too close.

“Back more, Daddy,” she giggles and commands.

I dramatically comply, confessing admiration for her courage. After two giant steps I stop.

“More?” I ask.

"Yes!” Sara squeals, as she bounces gleefully on the bed.

With each step she laughs and claps and motions for more. When I’m on the other side of the canyon, when I’m beyond the reach of mortal man, when I am but a tiny figure on the horizon, she stops me. “There, stop there."

“Are you sure?”

I’m sure,” she shouts.

I extend my arms. Once again she crouches, then springs.

Superman without a cape.

Skydiver without a chute.

Only her heart flies higher than her body. In that airborne instant her only hope is her father. If he proves weak, she’ll fall. If he proves cruel, she’ll crash. If he proves forgetful, she’ll tumble to the hard floor.

But such fear she does not know, for her father she does. She trusts him. Four years under the same roof have convinced her that he is reliable.

He is not superhuman, but he is strong.

He is not holy, but he is good.

He is not brilliant, but he

doesn’t have to be to

remember to catch

his child when

she jumps.

And so she flies.
 

And so she soars.

    And so he catches her

and the two of them rejoice
at the wedding of her trust
and his faithfulness.

Sara’s older sister, Andrea, was in the room watching and I asked Sara if she would jump to Andrea. Sara refused. I tried to convince her. She wouldn’t budge.

“Why not?” I asked.

"I only jump into big arms.”

If we think the arms are weak, we won’t jump."
***

It’s all about T-R-U-S-T!

I have an investment counselor friend named Riz. I’ve known him for 2 years. I can trust him with my modest investments in a flash of a moment.

Riz is worthy of trust.

I worked with a man named Jim Tharp for ten years. He was my mentor, my pastor and my friend. He is one of the most integrity-filled men I know. I could trust Jim with my most intimate secrets and with my life.

Jim is worthy of trust.

I am married to Carolyn. After five years of knowing her, loving her, and experiencing life with her, she is someone that I look forward to seeing after a long and hard day. We talk, we share, we laugh, we trust.

Through it all, we love each other.

Carolyn is worthy of trust.

For people in sales, the most difficult part of our jobs is sometimes earning the trust of our potential customers. How do we go about doing that?

Here are some key words to focus on that may help.


Honesty
  Accurate knowledge
    Dependability
      Promptness
        Courteous
          A smile
            Open body stance
              Direct eye contact.

Who do you trust?

If the arms are weak, we won’t jump.

If we fear deceit, we won’t follow.

If we fear betrayal, we won’t trust.

Who do you trust?

Better question.

Are you and I trust agents?

Go Confidently in the Direction of Your Dreams

Close your eyes and tell me what you see when you dream of your future? What kind of work are you doing? Where do you live? What does your family life look like? What is your economic status?

Dreams are a good thing. Everyone dreams – some just take their dream to the next level. They dream in more vivid detail and dream on purpose. I want to be an on-purpose dreamer. Care to join me?

Aristotle once said …
“The soul never thinks without a picture.”

Paint a picture of your future. Splash on some bright orange. Mix in a dab of yellow. Surely there is a place for a touch of blue, and some pink and rose. Paint to your heart’s content, but paint your picture for your soul’s sake. Use a big canvass for your painting. Make a large statement. People might just marvel at your dream and come along and help you reach it.

A wise man once said “Once I see it I will be it.” We see it first in our mind’s eye, and then we move in the direction of our dreams and our dominant thoughts.

But we have to create a clear image of the end result. That is what empowers us toward achieving the desired end.

This quote hangs in a prominent place in my office.

“Only Those Who Can

See the Invisible

Can Accomplish the Impossible.”

It all starts with hopes and dreams. Then comes the doing. Dreams without action are like flowers without rain. They wither and die for lack of nourishment.

Give your dreams feet and wings. Allow them to grow, to run and soar to heights yet unseen, all because you dreamed and nourished the dream.

FEET

AND

WINGS!

I like that



Can you spend a few hours some morning on your dream? Go off by yourself, take a pen and paper, or your computer, get a nice cup of coffee and sit and think about your dreams. Ask this question …



“What would I do

if I knew

I could not fail?”

The answer to this question will give you a real sense of what beats inside of you.

Whatever the answer is, write it down, live with it for a while. Write down all of the possibilities for a dynamic life in pursuit of your dream. See where your thoughts take you.

My dream? To be a writer and speaker and reach thousands, even millions of people!!!

There! I said it out loud.

Some may say, “But you’re older now. Come on. Don’t you need to adjust your dreams just a bit?”

No way. If I’m gonna dream, I’m gonna dream big and bold and OUT LOUD.

Henry David Thoreau said, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you’ve imagined.”

The Jump

Sometimes we just have to make the jump. We have to jump from where we are to where we want to be. 

Kevin Hall has a word for this in his book Aspire.  The word is “Ollin”.  

It means “all in” 

 

Full commitment. 

     Full speed ahead. 

          No turning back. 

               No second guessing. 

When you know what to do, and it’s time to do it, then go ahead and make the jump. 

I love this quote I found in my files: 

“The jump is so frightening between where I am

and where I want to be…because of all I may become,

I will close my eyes and leap!”

Mary Anne Radmacher

So, close your eyes and leap. 

I’ve done that a few times.  I’ve gone for it.  I’ve stepped out, with no sign of a step or board or safety net to catch me.  No brass band played.  No one paid much attention except me.  But I’ve made the leap a few times.  I’ve stepped out in faith. 

And now …

I’m still here. 

I’m still living and breathing. 

I’m still alive and able to look back on those moments of faith when I abandoned all to the possibility of success.

Yeah, that’s it … I’ve abandoned myself to the possibility.

            Possibility! 

“Possibility” is wrapped in a hint of the “unknown” and sprinkled in is a lot of “what-if”.

But just think of what might be possible.   

What could be possible if only I would ___________?

I’ve made moves before when I wasn't sure if that town or state really held what I hoped for.

I’ve taken jobs when I wasn’t sure of where I’d end up.

I’ve invested money into plans and dreams with no real assurance that I was investing with assured success.

 

But I’ve made the leap.  And look at the benefits. 

 Knowledge I didn’t have before

   People who have turned into friends

    Expanded life experiences

Not to mention a journal full of stuff I can write about. 

Some people say that getting out of bed is a gamble.  Driving my automobile on the interstates of Seattle is a gamble every day.  But I have to get out of my driveway and make the journey in order to arrive at my destination. 

That’s the end we all seek, isn’t it?              

                              

        The destination. 

Where might you end up?

What is your destination?

What are your hopes?

What do you dream of accomplishing?

Maybe it’s time to make the jump. 

What might you become?

 People who make parachute jumps know that the instructor gets on the plane with you for your first jump.  When it is time to make the jump you are instructed to stand in the open doorway and place your hands on a handle overhead.  If you don’t release your grip in a timely manner after he says “jump” your instructor will gently rap on your knuckles forcing you to release your grip and make the jump.  

 After all, parachuting is all about jumping. 

 Is it time for you to jump?

“The jump is so frightening between where I am 

and where  I want to be…because of all I may become, 

I will close my eyes and leap!” 

 Mary Anne Radmacher

 

The Answer Is in the Doing

I’m here. My dream is over there. There is a gulf between us. What am I to do?

Why, keep on doing, of course.

Ever felt that way? Perhaps you feel that way now.

The road is long and I’m so tired.
--Keep going.

I’ve put out nearly a hundred resumes.
--Put out one more.

Yet another round of treatments. When will this end?
--Go for another round. Your cure may be just around the corner.

But I’ve reached out to him time and again. He keeps rejecting me.
--Reach out one more time. Maybe ten more times.

I’ve told her a thousand times how to make that work. When will she ever learn?
--Tell her a few more times. She’ll get it soon.

I’ve trained; I’ve tried; I’ve put in the hours, yet they keep passing me over for my next promotion. I’m so discouraged.
--Keep training. Keep improving. You work is not in vain.

He’s hurt me so many times. I don’t have any more left to give.
--Keep giving and forgiving. An apology; a change is coming soon. Have hope.

I’ve taken that test three times already, and every time I’ve missed passing it by a few points. I give up.
--Don’t give up just yet. I know a guy who took the bar exam 17 times before passing it. See, it can be done. Just do it.

I’ve practiced this piece for a month now and I still sound like a beginner. Help!
--Practice more, only this time with perfect practice. Slow the passages down, perfect them, and then put them together.

I’ve written page after page until I’m blue in the face, and nobody is paying attention. Will I ever become a recognized and published author?
--Yes. One word, one phrase, one idea at a time. The answer is in the doing.

What did you say?

The

answer

is in

the doing.

It’s true in all of life – music, relationships, education, medicine, recovery, and all other scenes of our lives.

The answer is in the doing!

What are you doing?

Don’t give up.
  Keep trying.
    Have a little faith.
      You can if you think you can.
        Try, try again.
          Keep going back for more.
            Learn from past failures?
              Get back up on the horse.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off,

and start all over again.